You had me at eldest daughter syndrome. I never understood why life was so different for me until I heard about the phenomenon that is eldest daughter syndrome. It explains so much. This whole post resonates, thank you.
Right? When I first learned about eldest daughter syndrome, it felt like someone had handed me the missing piece of a lifelong puzzle. So many of us have carried silent expectations without realizing where they came from. I’m really glad this post resonated with you, Sam—and thank you for sharing this reflection. We’re not alone in this journey, and that makes all the difference.
Great post! I broke this cycle in 12-step recovery. Steps 2 and 3, recognizing that I alone cannot do it all and that others could and would support me, were huge. Your point three is what I often speak on when I see others struggling. Not only do I not see people who ask me for help as weak, but I am so honored that they would put their trust in me. Why would I deny others that same feeling of honor because of my own stubborn self-reliance? I wouldn't, and now I see it, so I don't.
Incredibly important post! It took me years of being chronically ill to finally understand that it was okay to ask for help. Then my husband hired a housekeeper to come in once a month and I realized just how overwhelmed I really was.
You’re right! Sometimes we don’t even recognize how much we’ve been carrying until we finally let go of some of it. It’s amazing how one small change—like hiring a housekeeper—can open our eyes to just how much we’ve been pushing through. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Great article, thank you for some important perspectives. A couple of things I would add…
Today’s best leaders are comfortable expressing vulnerability, they recognize that their job is to help magnify the efforts of their team members, this doesn’t require being the person who can do everything, in fact it requires the exact thing you are talking about…the ability to ask for help. If you can ask for help, you will attract more followers.
There are a lot of illusions about how we build trust with others. Along the lines of the oldest daughter role, often people feel that the best way to create trust is to always be Johnny (or Jane) on the spot, ready with whatever anyone needs, but this is wrong.
You don’t build trust by offering support, you build trust by asking for it. When you ask people for support you give them an opportunity to shine, you put the spotlight on them rather than on yourself.
Thank you for sharing this! I love the perspective on leadership—true leaders don’t do everything alone, they empower others by asking for support. It’s a powerful shift when we realize that vulnerability isn’t a weakness, but a magnet for connection and trust.
The point about trust is so important. Many of us, especially those who’ve taken on the ‘eldest daughter’ role, believe trust is built by always being reliable, always having the answers. But real trust comes from allowing others to contribute too.
I love how you put it—when we ask for help, we give others an opportunity to shine. That’s such a refreshing way to look at it! Thanks again for your thoughtful insights.
The eldest daughter syndrome resonates Sara. My mother suffered depression so I stepped into the sub-mother role a lot of the time. Then with my mother telling me how I wasn’t doing it right, it turned me into a people-pleaser too. I have worked through this but many people won’t connect the dots. This article is so helpful. 💕
Sue, thank you for sharing this. The weight of stepping into that ‘sub-mother’ role at such a young age is so heavy, and it’s easy to see how it can turn into people-pleasing. I’m so glad you’ve worked through it, but you’re right—many don’t even realize the connection. Unpacking these patterns is hard, but it’s the first step toward healing.
Loved this! Many times we are to blame for this as well. When you have always done it all, those around you start expecting you to do it all. This does have a tendency to cause our overwhelm and often times resentment as you said.
You’re so right, Angel! When we’ve always been the one to handle everything, people naturally start expecting it from us. And sometimes, without realizing it, we reinforce that expectation by never pushing back. Breaking that cycle isn’t easy, but it’s so necessary to avoid burnout and resentment.
Another wonderful piece, Sara. I really enjoy this one bc you make yourself accessible by offering a “how to.” I suspect that there is something deeper that caused you from giver, to ladder climber, to both? No need to answer. I ponder this for myself. Wonder if you ponder as well. :)
It’s fascinating how our roles evolve—sometimes out of necessity, sometimes from deep-rooted beliefs about what success or strength looks like. I do ponder this often. How much of our shift between giver, climber, or both is intentional versus conditioned? So much to unpack.
Sara, we shared a comment thread on your restack of this post, then coming here to read it, I chucked.
We are like-minded soul sister!
Here's the clincher.
I grew so fast, 9 inches in the fifth grade, that I appeared older than I was. Much was expected of me.
Thinking back, besides the powerful role models of my Mama Peggy and Grandma Lillian, my man-sized body with a little girl inside was what made it hard to ask for help
Donna, I love how life keeps weaving these parallel threads for us! It’s fascinating how early experiences shape our ability to ask for help. Growing up with so much responsibility and being perceived as ‘older’ than we were definitely sets the tone for always feeling like we have to handle things alone. That little girl inside still deserves support, no matter how strong or capable we appear to be. Thank you for sharing this—it truly resonates!
I totally get that! It’s one thing to know that asking for help is better, but actually doing it is a different challenge. Sometimes it takes unlearning old habits of self-reliance before we get comfortable reaching out.
You had me at eldest daughter syndrome. I never understood why life was so different for me until I heard about the phenomenon that is eldest daughter syndrome. It explains so much. This whole post resonates, thank you.
Right? When I first learned about eldest daughter syndrome, it felt like someone had handed me the missing piece of a lifelong puzzle. So many of us have carried silent expectations without realizing where they came from. I’m really glad this post resonated with you, Sam—and thank you for sharing this reflection. We’re not alone in this journey, and that makes all the difference.
You can say that again!
I love this! Challenge Accepted!
Amazing!! I’ll love to know how it goes 💕
Technology.
Great post! I broke this cycle in 12-step recovery. Steps 2 and 3, recognizing that I alone cannot do it all and that others could and would support me, were huge. Your point three is what I often speak on when I see others struggling. Not only do I not see people who ask me for help as weak, but I am so honored that they would put their trust in me. Why would I deny others that same feeling of honor because of my own stubborn self-reliance? I wouldn't, and now I see it, so I don't.
Incredibly important post! It took me years of being chronically ill to finally understand that it was okay to ask for help. Then my husband hired a housekeeper to come in once a month and I realized just how overwhelmed I really was.
You’re right! Sometimes we don’t even recognize how much we’ve been carrying until we finally let go of some of it. It’s amazing how one small change—like hiring a housekeeper—can open our eyes to just how much we’ve been pushing through. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Great article, thank you for some important perspectives. A couple of things I would add…
Today’s best leaders are comfortable expressing vulnerability, they recognize that their job is to help magnify the efforts of their team members, this doesn’t require being the person who can do everything, in fact it requires the exact thing you are talking about…the ability to ask for help. If you can ask for help, you will attract more followers.
There are a lot of illusions about how we build trust with others. Along the lines of the oldest daughter role, often people feel that the best way to create trust is to always be Johnny (or Jane) on the spot, ready with whatever anyone needs, but this is wrong.
You don’t build trust by offering support, you build trust by asking for it. When you ask people for support you give them an opportunity to shine, you put the spotlight on them rather than on yourself.
Thank you for sharing this! I love the perspective on leadership—true leaders don’t do everything alone, they empower others by asking for support. It’s a powerful shift when we realize that vulnerability isn’t a weakness, but a magnet for connection and trust.
The point about trust is so important. Many of us, especially those who’ve taken on the ‘eldest daughter’ role, believe trust is built by always being reliable, always having the answers. But real trust comes from allowing others to contribute too.
I love how you put it—when we ask for help, we give others an opportunity to shine. That’s such a refreshing way to look at it! Thanks again for your thoughtful insights.
The eldest daughter syndrome resonates Sara. My mother suffered depression so I stepped into the sub-mother role a lot of the time. Then with my mother telling me how I wasn’t doing it right, it turned me into a people-pleaser too. I have worked through this but many people won’t connect the dots. This article is so helpful. 💕
Sue, thank you for sharing this. The weight of stepping into that ‘sub-mother’ role at such a young age is so heavy, and it’s easy to see how it can turn into people-pleasing. I’m so glad you’ve worked through it, but you’re right—many don’t even realize the connection. Unpacking these patterns is hard, but it’s the first step toward healing.
Loved this! Many times we are to blame for this as well. When you have always done it all, those around you start expecting you to do it all. This does have a tendency to cause our overwhelm and often times resentment as you said.
Thank you for sharing!
You’re so right, Angel! When we’ve always been the one to handle everything, people naturally start expecting it from us. And sometimes, without realizing it, we reinforce that expectation by never pushing back. Breaking that cycle isn’t easy, but it’s so necessary to avoid burnout and resentment.
Another wonderful piece, Sara. I really enjoy this one bc you make yourself accessible by offering a “how to.” I suspect that there is something deeper that caused you from giver, to ladder climber, to both? No need to answer. I ponder this for myself. Wonder if you ponder as well. :)
I really appreciate it Ken!
It’s fascinating how our roles evolve—sometimes out of necessity, sometimes from deep-rooted beliefs about what success or strength looks like. I do ponder this often. How much of our shift between giver, climber, or both is intentional versus conditioned? So much to unpack.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Sara, we shared a comment thread on your restack of this post, then coming here to read it, I chucked.
We are like-minded soul sister!
Here's the clincher.
I grew so fast, 9 inches in the fifth grade, that I appeared older than I was. Much was expected of me.
Thinking back, besides the powerful role models of my Mama Peggy and Grandma Lillian, my man-sized body with a little girl inside was what made it hard to ask for help
Donna, I love how life keeps weaving these parallel threads for us! It’s fascinating how early experiences shape our ability to ask for help. Growing up with so much responsibility and being perceived as ‘older’ than we were definitely sets the tone for always feeling like we have to handle things alone. That little girl inside still deserves support, no matter how strong or capable we appear to be. Thank you for sharing this—it truly resonates!
it's definitely better to ask for help! but I have historically had a hard time asking for help, as well !
I totally get that! It’s one thing to know that asking for help is better, but actually doing it is a different challenge. Sometimes it takes unlearning old habits of self-reliance before we get comfortable reaching out.